What did the drummer call his two daughters? Anna one, Anna two…

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A cheese factory exploded in France. Da Brie is everywhere.

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What did the nut say when it was chasing another nut? I’m a cashew.

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Why does Norway have bar codes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian

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Customer buying a car: Cargo Space? Salesman: Car no do that – car no fly.

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Knock Knock.
Who’s there!
Boris!
Boris who?
Boris with more knock knock jokes!

(more…)

Male mushroom to a female mushroom: Wanna go on a date with me? Why not, you seem like a fungi!

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Two wind turbines are standing in a field. One turns to the other an asks: What kind of music do you like. The other answers: I’m a huge metal fan.

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Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet? Yes, brochure.

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I know lots of jokes about cash machines. I just can’t think of one ATM.

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Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Watch.
Watch who?
Did you sneeze?

Henny Youngman
I found a parking spot in New York – I bought a parked car.

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Rodney Dangewrfield
I don’t like cocaine – I just like how it smells.

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Yogi Berra
Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore – it’s too crowded.

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George Burns
You know your getting old when you stoop to tie your shoe laces and wonder what else you could do while your down there.

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Rodney Dangerfield
I can’t get no respect. When I step into an elevator the ‘basement’ light is on.

Dean Martin
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

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Alan King
My wife has OCD. I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night and when I returned the bed had been made up.

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Red Buttons
I bought a pair of shrink resistant socks. When I washed them they resisted before they shrank.

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Sid Caesar
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three – he was a genius.

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Groucho Marx
I wouldn’t join a club that would have me as a member.

Jackie Gleason
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re off it.

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George Carlin
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

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Mae West
Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

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Merv Griffin (TV game show host)
On his tombstone: I will NOT be right back after this message.

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Phyllis Diller
On my honeymoon I put on a peekaboo blouse. My husband peeked and booed.

There’s a man by the name of John A. Robot who is honest to a fault. He’s not able to pass website security checks because he just can’t tick the box that says “I am not a Robot”.

When I was in High school it was mandatory to take a foreign language class. Most students took Spanish which was considered easiest. My friend William chose French.

After his first lesson he said French was a snap. In the first session he learned how to say “my name is”: Jam Apple Billy.

J.P. Morgan was extremely rich due to his extraordinarily successful investment strategy. Before trading stock or making a major purchase he would go to a locked compartment in his desk and briefly look at a paper.

When he passed away there was a scramble to unlock his desk to see the paper. It said: buy low – sell high.

Me – I have a friend who’s a CPA even though he never went to college.

You – That’s impossible.

Me – well, he has a store in a strip mall where he does Cleaning, Pressing and Alterations.

When shopping I prefer to browse without being asked what I’m looking for. I went to the Crate and Barrel store recently. Just as I entered the store, a salesperson came over and asked if he could help me find something. I said: Yes – I’m looking for a crate or a barrel.