Puns Plus Too
What did the drummer call his two daughters? Anna one, Anna two…
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A cheese factory exploded in France. Da Brie is everywhere.
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What did the nut say when it was chasing another nut? I’m a cashew.
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Why does Norway have bar codes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian
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Customer buying a car: Cargo Space? Salesman: Car no do that – car no fly.
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Knock Knock.
Who’s there!
Boris!
Boris who?
Boris with more knock knock jokes!
- Published in Grab Bag
Puns plus
Male mushroom to a female mushroom: Wanna go on a date with me? Why not, you seem like a fungi!
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Two wind turbines are standing in a field. One turns to the other an asks: What kind of music do you like. The other answers: I’m a huge metal fan.
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Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet? Yes, brochure.
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I know lots of jokes about cash machines. I just can’t think of one ATM.
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Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Watch.
Watch who?
Did you sneeze?
- Published in Grab Bag
Classic Comedians Three
Henny Youngman
I found a parking spot in New York – I bought a parked car.
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Rodney Dangewrfield
I don’t like cocaine – I just like how it smells.
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Yogi Berra
Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore – it’s too crowded.
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George Burns
You know your getting old when you stoop to tie your shoe laces and wonder what else you could do while your down there.
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Rodney Dangerfield
I can’t get no respect. When I step into an elevator the ‘basement’ light is on.
- Published in Grab Bag
Classic Comedians
Dean Martin
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
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Alan King
My wife has OCD. I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night and when I returned the bed had been made up.
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Red Buttons
I bought a pair of shrink resistant socks. When I washed them they resisted before they shrank.
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Sid Caesar
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three – he was a genius.
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Groucho Marx
I wouldn’t join a club that would have me as a member.
- Published in Grab Bag
Classic Comedians Too
Jackie Gleason
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re off it.
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George Carlin
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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Mae West
Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
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Merv Griffin (TV game show host)
On his tombstone: I will NOT be right back after this message.
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Phyllis Diller
On my honeymoon I put on a peekaboo blouse. My husband peeked and booed.
- Published in Grab Bag
John Armstrong Robot
There’s a man by the name of John A. Robot who is honest to a fault. He’s not able to pass website security checks because he just can’t tick the box that says “I am not a Robot”.
- Published in Grab Bag
French Lesson
When I was in High school it was mandatory to take a foreign language class. Most students took Spanish which was considered easiest. My friend William chose French.
After his first lesson he said French was a snap. In the first session he learned how to say “my name is”: Jam Apple Billy.
- Published in Grab Bag
Secret Strategy
J.P. Morgan was extremely rich due to his extraordinarily successful investment strategy. Before trading stock or making a major purchase he would go to a locked compartment in his desk and briefly look at a paper.
When he passed away there was a scramble to unlock his desk to see the paper. It said: buy low – sell high.
- Published in Grab Bag
Crate & Barrel
When shopping I prefer to browse without being asked what I’m looking for. I went to the Crate and Barrel store recently. Just as I entered the store, a salesperson came over and asked if he could help me find something. I said: Yes – I’m looking for a crate or a barrel.
- Published in Grab Bag
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