What did the drummer call his two daughters? Anna one, Anna two…
A cheese factory exploded in France. Da Brie is everywhere.
What did the nut say when it was chasing another nut? I’m a cashew.
Why does Norway have bar codes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian
Customer buying a car: Cargo Space? Salesman: Car no do that – car no fly.
Boris with more knock knock jokes!
Male mushroom to a female mushroom: Wanna go on a date with me? Why not, you seem like a fungi!
Two wind turbines are standing in a field. One turns to the other an asks: What kind of music do you like. The other answers: I’m a huge metal fan.
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet? Yes, brochure.
I know lots of jokes about cash machines. I just can’t think of one ATM.
Did you sneeze?
I found a parking spot in New York – I bought a parked car.
I don’t like cocaine – I just like how it smells.
Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore – it’s too crowded.
You know your getting old when you stoop to tie your shoe laces and wonder what else you could do while your down there.
I can’t get no respect. When I step into an elevator the ‘basement’ light is on.
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
My wife has OCD. I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night and when I returned the bed had been made up.
I bought a pair of shrink resistant socks. When I washed them they resisted before they shrank.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three – he was a genius.
I wouldn’t join a club that would have me as a member.
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re off it.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
Merv Griffin (TV game show host)
On his tombstone: I will NOT be right back after this message.
On my honeymoon I put on a peekaboo blouse. My husband peeked and booed.
There’s a man by the name of John A. Robot who is honest to a fault. He’s not able to pass website security checks because he just can’t tick the box that says “I am not a Robot”.
When I was in High school it was mandatory to take a foreign language class. Most students took Spanish which was considered easiest. My friend William chose French.
After his first lesson he said French was a snap. In the first session he learned how to say “my name is”: Jam Apple Billy.
J.P. Morgan was extremely rich due to his extraordinarily successful investment strategy. Before trading stock or making a major purchase he would go to a locked compartment in his desk and briefly look at a paper.
When he passed away there was a scramble to unlock his desk to see the paper. It said: buy low – sell high.
Me – I have a friend who’s a CPA even though he never went to college.
You – That’s impossible.
Me – well, he has a store in a strip mall where he does Cleaning, Pressing and Alterations.
When shopping I prefer to browse without being asked what I’m looking for. I went to the Crate and Barrel store recently. Just as I entered the store, a salesperson came over and asked if he could help me find something. I said: Yes – I’m looking for a crate or a barrel.