Just turned 65? You’re not elderly – you’re a junior Senior Citizen and you can now get free bus rides on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s between 2 and 4 PM. Going to the gym for some exercise? If you don’t wear “Silver Sneakers” they won’t let you in.
When you become 80 Years old, in the year 2050, you will be entitled to collect federal Social Security at 50%, but if you wait until your 85 you will receive 100%.
Made it to 90? Congratulations, you’re now a senior Senior and so you will be obliged to smile when the occasional “jokester” calls you 90 years young.
Now you’ve reached 100 years but, not to worry, 100 is the new 60. Hopefully, you’ve crossed off everything on your bucket list before becoming a root inspector.
She wasn’t FIRED, she was given a PINK SLIP and MADE REDUNDANT due to a DOWNSIZING.
Actually, she was RELIEVED OF DUTIES because the STAFF IS BEING RE-ENGINEERED. That was because a WORKFORCE IMBALANCE CORRECTION was needed.
Now that she has been LET GO she can seek a CAREER CHANGE OPPORTUNITY where she won’t OUTGROW THE POSITION and there are FLEXIBLE WORKING OPTIONS.
In other words – it’s time to visit a TALENT ACQUISITION SPECIALIST!
I was driving on a highway when the traffic pattern suddenly slowed from 70 MPH down to the speed limit of 55.
I saw a police car coming so that explained it. As soon as the police car came into view traffic returned to 70.
I was wondering why speeding resumed so quickly until I saw that the car was marked ‘Library Police’.
I was sure glad that I had no overdue books!
Interviewer: A woman has claimed that she was coerced into having sex with you when she was only 15 years old.
Prince A: I don’t recall having sex with that girl. I don’t recall knowing that girl. I don’t recall knowing anyone who knows that girl and I’m not related to that girl by six degrees of separation.
Interviewer: What do you have to say about the photo showing you standing up close to her and smiling?
Prince A: It’s been Photoshopped.
Interviewer: Thank you for your time. Is there anything you want to add?
Prince A: Yes. I don’t recall inhaling.
Interviewer: What don’t you recall inhaling?
Prince A: I don’t recall inhaling any illegal substance in a joint, hookah or E-cigarette and I don’t recall knowing anyone who has. Any photos or videos showing me inhaling have been Photoshopped or Videoshopped.
Interviewer: Do you have dementia?
Prince A: I don’t recall being told that I have dementia.
** Having an emergency at the beach? If you call out for a lifeguard no one will come. You’ve gotta call out, ”Help! I need a Surf Rescue Technician”.
** You’re not selling your old, used car with vinyl covered seats – you’re selling your Pre-owned, Vintage car with Leatherette seats.
** Going to Bury the Bone? – you won’t need your dog’s assistance.
** Sniffed a Floating Air Biscuit? Step back and take the next elevator car.
** You didn’t see an ugly baby – you saw an Appearance Deficient baby.
** Please don’t tell your friends that you liked the jokes at Addajoke.com. Tell them that you had a Positive Ha-Ha Experience.
After turning 60, five years ago, I make it a point to go for a physical checkup once a year.
This year I decided to go to a new G.P.
At the doctor’s office the P.A. took my blood pressure, temperature and weight. She asked if my weight has changed since my last checkup. I said: no, but there’s been some redistribution.
Did you ever stay in a hotel room that had one of those round 5X magnifying mirrors on the wall of the bathroom? Did you stick your face into it and see your flaws five times bigger?
If you’re like me you climbed on something to see your privates in 5X.
There should be a warning on those mirrors that says “WARNING: When climbing to look at your private parts in 5X be careful not to slip and fall on your 5X booty”.
I was on a remote island in the Pacific, having a conversation with a local woman, when suddenly she said – you’re from New York aren’t you?
I said – yes, but you don’t win a prize unless you can tell me which of the five boroughs I’m from.
She replied – Brooklyn until you were 20 and then Manhattan.
I said – sorry, I didn’t move to Manhattan until my 21st birthday.
I don’t speak Italian but I love hearing Italian phrases.
In 2015 I flew into Rome, rented a car and got on a high speed highway. Soon, I came upon a slow moving red Volkswagen Polo.
I just couldn’t help myself! I pulled even, opened my window and when the driver opened his I yelled over ‘Marco’. That’s when I got to hear some Italian expressions!
I was speeding on the interstate when suddenly an unmarked police car came up even with my car and turned on his flashing lights.
The policeman opened his window and I opened mine. He looked me up and down and yelled “pull over”. I yelled back “No – full zipper”.