Passenger to Flight attendant: How come I’m the only passenger on the plane?
Flight attendant: It’s because a large group going to a psychic convention just cancelled.

An older couple is sitting on a couch. The wife says to her husband: You need a hearing test. Husband to wife: I don’t have a hairy chest.
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Is it wrong to drop drunks off at houses that aren’t theirs?

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The boss asked me who the stupid one is, me or him? I told him – everyone knows that he doesn’t hire stupid people.

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I yelled “COW!” at a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger. Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow. I tried!

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Daffy Duck calls the hotel desk and requests a condom. They ask: Shall we put it on your bill? He answers: Are you thucking thupid – I’ll thuffocate.

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Interrogating a chicken: What came first, you or the egg? Why did you cross the road? How come everything tastes like you? I want answers!

Wedding Reception Food
A Jewish friend married a Christian girl. At the reception they served matzo balls wrapped in bacon.

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Smile
The only person on this earth, who can ask a women to stop talking, and in reply gets a smile back from her is…A Photographer.

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Help!
I saw a man at the beach screaming, “Help, shark, help!” I laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him.

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My Password
I changed my password to “incorrect”, so whenever I forget what it is, my computer will say: Your password is incorrect.

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Bananas
How do you distribute 6 bananas among 8 monkeys? Make a smoothie. (Warning – it’s gonna get messy!).

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Quite a Few
Woman to friend: I slept with a Brazilian.
Friend: Wow – you slut! How many is a Brazilian?

Sometimes I wonder what happened to the people who asked me for directions…

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Happy Wife – Happy Life! How come nothing rhymes with Husband?
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What’s New?
Me: I’m having a really good day except for newpussycat.
Friend: What’s newpussycat?
Me: WHOAAAA OH WHOAAAA.
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I completed a jig-saw puzzle in just 1 week even though the box said 2 to 4 years.

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A friend of mine met his girlfriend in a bagel shop. I asked him what they had in common. He said “everything”.

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Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is a fat bank account and a skinny body. Please don’t mix it up again like last year!

Boobs: The proof that men can focus on two things at the same time.

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Secrets: Something you tell everybody to tell nobody.

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I saw a woman’s sweatshirt printed with “GUESS”. I said: Implants?

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Well, another day went by and I didn’t use algebra once.

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My favorite oxymoron: Airline food

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Don’t cry over spilled milk – it could have been beer!

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A windstorm blew off 25% of my oof last night.

I asked a friend who’s a zookeeper: What’s the difference between an alligator and crocodile? She said: An alligator – will see you later, a crocodile – after a while.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women.
A. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

Me: Mom, let me introduce my girlfriend.
Mom: You couldn’t find anything better?
Me: Leave me alone – I love her.
Mom: Quiet! I’m speaking to her.

Dad: Son, allow me to offer you my warmest congratulations. I’m certain that you will remember today as the happiest day of your life.
Son: Thanks dad, but the wedding is tomorrow.
Dad: I know