Jim goes over to his best friend’s house, rings the doorbell, and the wife answers.
“Hi, Jane, is Bill home?”
“No, he went to the store.”
“Well, do you mind if I wait?”
“No, come on in.” They both have a seat in the kitchen. “You know, Jane, I’ve noticed that you have the greatest tits. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.”
Jane thinks for a second and finally figures, what the hell, it’s for a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows Jim one of her breasts. He promptly thanks her and places a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and finally Jim says, “Jane, your tits are so beautiful… I’ve gotta see the two of them. I’ll give you another hundred bucks if I can see them both.”
Jane thinks it over briefly and again figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and gives Jim a good, long look. He thanks her and then puts another hundred bucks on the table.
Another ten minutes passes by… Jim can’t wait around any longer, so he leaves.
A while later, Bill arrives home and his wife says “Your weird friend Jim came over this afternoon.”
Replies Bill, “Did he drop off the two hundred bucks he owes me?”
A lady approaches her priest and says “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots who only know how to say “Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship”.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say “Hi we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?” One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away brother, our prayers have been answered”.
I took a sneaky look in my new girlfriend’s underwear drawer. There was a French maids outfit, a police woman’s uniform and a nurses outfit. I decided that she was not for me because she can’t seem to hold down a job.
A boss has to interview four girls for a job as his assistant. He asked the same question to each one of them.
Boss: A woman has lips in two different places on her body. What’s the difference between the two?
1st Girl: One is hairy, the other isn’t.
Boss: Ok, good.
2nd Girl: One can talk but the other can’t.
Boss: That’s better.
3rd Girl: One is vertical and other is horizontal.
Boss: Hmmmm…Very clever.
4th Girl: One is for me to use and the other is for my boss.
Boss: You are hired!
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says, “About two hours.” The guy leaves.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “About two hours.” The guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop an says, “About an hour and half.” The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, “Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.” In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, “Bill, where did he go when he left here?” Bill looked up and said, “To your house.”
A koala bear wandered into a whorehouse and found a sleeping prostitute. The bear crawled up on her and started licking her privates. The woman woke up and was a little freaked out to see a bear licking her, but decided it felt pretty good and let the bear continue. The koala kept going and eventually mounted the prostitute, has a great old time, and then walked toward the door.
The prostitute got up and shouted at the bear, “Hey, you have to pay for that!” The koala shrugged.
“No, you don’t understand”. she said to the bear, “I’m a pros-ti-tute. PROS-TI-TUTE. I get paid for having sex!”
The koala stared blankly. The prostitute grabbed a dictionary and showed the koala the definition. “Says right here, Prostitute: One who is paid for sexual services”. The koala looked at the book, then flipped the pages back to “Koala” and showed her the definition:”Australian marsupial that eats shoots and leaves.”
Employee : Sir, you called me?
Boss : Yeah, go to the rest room and masturbate.
Employee : (After few minutes), done sir.
Boss : Do it again.
Employee : Done again, sir.
Boss : Do it once more
Employee : I can’t – don’t have stamina for it, sir.
Boss : Very good, here are my keys, drop my daughter at home.
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
‘I almost had an affair with another woman’.
‘What do you mean, almost?’ the priest said.
‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’
The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box’. The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’
The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in’.
A 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?”
“There’s something wrong with my dick”, he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.”
“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.
The Receptionist replied; “Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.”
The man replied, “You shouldn’t ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”
“There’s something wrong with my ear”, he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”
“I can’t piss out of it!” he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.
A man walks into confessional and says to the priest, “Bless me father for I have sinned… I screwed seven different women last night”
The priest is silent for a moment then says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half, squeeze the juice into a glass, and drink it down in one gulp”
“And I’ll be forgiven?” asks the man.
“No” replies the priest, “But it’ll wipe that damn smirk of your face!