Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . . in and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end . . . . !!
He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . . Forwards then backwards . . . .
Forward then backward . . .. .
Again . . . . and, again . . . . !!
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . . she let out a piercing scream . . . .
She shouted . . . . :
“OK! OK, you smug bastard, I can’t parallel park . . . .
You do it . .
A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and can’t help but ask, “Is your date running late?”
“No,” he replies, “I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.” The woman is intrigued and asks, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains.
“What’s it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties…”
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!”
The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, “Damn thing must be an hour fast.”
Wife to 3 year old son who spit on the floor: We don’t spit. If it’s in your mouth you swallow it.
Husband raises eyebrows.
Wife: You shut up!
A beautiful woman visits a doctor’s office. The doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window.
He tells her to take off her pants. She does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. ‘Do you know what I am doing?’ asks the doctor. To which she replies, ‘Yes, checking for abnormalities.’
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra – she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, ‘Do you know what I am doing now?’ – she replies, ‘Yes, checking for lumps.’
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her down on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, ‘Do you know what I am doing now?’ – She replies, ‘Yes, getting herpes, that’s why I’m here!’.
There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning “I”) then pointed at his knees (meaning “need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, “You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw.”
The other guy replied, “I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming.”
A man and a woman meet in an elevator. “Where are you heading today?” the man asks.
“I’m going down to give blood.”
“How much do you get paid for giving blood?”
“Wow,” says the man, “I’m going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100.” The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
“Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?”
“Sperm bank,” she says with her mouth full.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed, gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
His wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”
What a Woman Says…
This place is a mess! C’mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You’ll have no clothes to wear if we
don’t do laundry right now!
What a man hears…
blah blah blah blah blah C’MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
Bill and his wife Evelyn are doing Yard work.
Bill says to Evelyn “Your ASS is as wide as the grill.”
She ignores the remark.
A little while later Bill takes his measuring tape and goes over to Evelyn while she is bending over working on the flower bed. He measures her rear end and Gasps, “Geez, it IS as wide as the grill!”
Later that night while in bed Bill starts to feel frisky.
Evelyn calmly responds, “If you think I’m gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you ARE mistaken.”
ANDREW is coming back from work. As he enters the sitting room, his wife asked:
WIFE: Darling! Why are you looking so sad?
ANDREW: Sweetheart, I have a problem at my office.
WIFE: Don’t say you have a problem. You should say we have a problem because we are now married.
ANDREW: OK, we have a problem in our office.
WIFE: And what is the problem darling?
ANDREW: Our secretary is pregnant for us.
WIFE: Whaaat!!! …The wife fainted!