Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, a man paid his lover a large sum of money to go to Italy and secretly have their child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card with “Spaghetti” written on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, his confused wife said “Honey! you received a very strange post card today.” He said “just give it to me and I will explain later”.
She watched as he read the card, turned white and fainted.
On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with meatballs, two without…send extra sauce…!
A man bought a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He tried it out as soon as he got home.
DAD: Son, where were you today during school time?
SON: At school *robot slaps son*.
SON: Ok, I went to the movies.
DAD: Which one?
SON: Toy Story *robot slaps son again*
SON: Ok, it was A Day With a Porn Star.
DAD: WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn’t even know what porn was. *Robot slaps dad*.
MOM: HAHA!! After all he is your son, *Robot slaps mom*.
I was in the public toilets today and, as I sat down, a voice from the next stall said “Hi, how are you?”.
Embarrassed, I said, “I’m doing fine”.
The voice said “So what are you up to?”.
I said, “Just doing the same as you – sitting here!”
The voice said “Can I come over?”.
Annoyed, I said “I’m rather busy right now”.
Then the voice said, “Listen, I’ll have to call you back, there’s an IDIOT in the next stall answering all my questions”.
A young boy enters a barber shop. The barber whispers to his customer: “This is the dumbest kid in the world – watch while I prove it to you”.
The barber places a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other and asks: “Which do you want son”? The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you!” said the barber. “That kid never learns”.
When the customer leaves, he sees the same boy coming out of an ice cream shop and says. “Hey son, may I ask you why you took the two quarters instead of the dollar bill”?
The boy licked his ice cream cone and said: “Because, the day I take the dollar, the game is over!!”.
“Alexa, where’s my dad?”
“Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas”
“HA – GOTCHA ALEXA – MY DAD IS SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME”
“Your mom’s husband is sitting next to you. Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas”
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators – the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?” Satan replies, “Things are going great! We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators – there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should not be down there; send him up here.”
Satan says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Really? And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
A man went to the Police Station to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
A man is stopped by the police around 3 a.m. and asked where he is going at that time of night.
Man: “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
Officer: “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
Man: “My wife.”
A Florida farmer owned a large farm that contained an attractive area with fruit trees and a pond for swimming.
One day he went to the pond area with a bucket to collect some fruit.
As he neared the pond he heard joyful laughter. As he approached he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping.
As soon as he was spotted, everyone went to the deep end. One woman shouted: We’re not coming out until you leave.
Holding the bucket up, the farmer said: I didn’t come here to see you ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked – I’m here to feed the alligators.
After three years of marriage a wife was still questioning her husband about his bawdy past.
Wife: (for what seemed like the thousandth time): How many women have you slept with?
Husband: If I told you, you’d throw a fit.
Wife: I won’t be angry – just tell me.
Husband: OK – One, two, three, four, five, six, seven – then there’s you, nine, ten, 11, 12, 13…..