A man and a woman are sitting on their porch drinking a beer.
Man – I love you!
Woman – Is that you talking or the beer talking?
Man – That’s me talking to the beer.

Picked up a hitch-hiker – seemed like a nice guy.

H H – Aren’t you afraid that I might be a serial killer.

Me – What are the chances that two serial killers would be in the same car at the same time?

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The beautiful heart then closed and sealed the doctor inside.

Soon after, one of the mourners burst into laughter. As everyone stared at him he said: Sorry, I was thinking of my own funeral – I’m a gynecologist.

A proctologist was present but kept silent.

A hooded robber bursts into a bank and forces the tellers to fill a sack with cash.

On his way out a brave customer grabs his hood and pulls it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shoots the customer without hesitation.

He then looks around and notices a teller looking straight at him. He shoots him as well. Everyone in the bank is now looking down in silence.

The robber yells: Did anyone else see my face?

There was complete silence until an elderly man raises his hand and says: My wife got a pretty good look at you.

USER ENTERS NEW PASSWORD: boiled cabbage.
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one uppercase character.
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one uppercase character consecutively.
USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: IWillHuntYouDown50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use!!

An Iranian man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for a loan officer. He says he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the Iranian hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million dollars.

“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says the Iranian, “and I have all the necessary papers.”

The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After the Iranian leaves, the loan officer, the bank’s president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000 loan. One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Iranian man returns, repays the $5000 and the interest which amounted to $25.41. He says: Thank you – there’s nowhere you can park for two weeks in NYC for less than $600.00.

I was partying with some friends and had a couple of cocktails, a few glasses of wine and I don’t remember what else.

Knowing that I was over the limit, I took a taxicab home. Sure enough, I came to a police checkpoint but since I was in a Taxi they waived me on. I arrived home safely.

The next morning I found a taxi in my garage. I’m not sure where it came from or what to do with it.

No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between ‘Complete’ and ‘Finished’.

In a linguistic conference, held in London England, an American was the winner of this challenge.

His response was: When you marry the right woman, you are ‘Complete’. If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘Finished.’ And, when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are ‘Completely Finished’.

A woman had seven boys and seven girls. She named then all Billie so they would come to dinner or to meet the school bus when she called out one name.

When she wanted to speak to just one of them she called out his or her last name.

A man calls Pizza Hut:

–Hello, is this Pizza Hut?

–No, sir. Pizza Google

–Oh, sorry. Wrong number..

–No sir, it’s the correct number, it’s just that Google bought Pizza Hut

–Oh… okay, so… take my order, please

–Same as always?

–And how do you know what I want?

–Well, according to your street name and your apartment number, your last 12 orders were a large pepperoni pizza

–Uh, o-okay… yeah, I want that please…

–May I suggest pizza without salt and with ricotta, broccoli and tomato?

–What? Why? No! I hate vegetables!

–Your cholesterol is not good sir…

–And how do you know?

–We got your info on your last 7 blood analysis, the numbers are quite bad

–Stop! Enough! I take my medication!

–Uhhh, sorry sir but our database shows that you’ve not taken it lately. The last box of medication you bought was on the 15th of February at 3:45 PM.

–B-But I bought more at another pharmacy!

–Your credit card records tell otherwise…

–I paid in cash! I have another source of income

–Your last tax declaration doesn’t show that, sorry sir, we don’t want you to have problems with the government…

–Forget it! I don’t want pizza anymore!

–Sorry sir, we just want to help.

–Help? I’m so tired of Google, Facebook, Instagram, everything! I’m gonna go to an island where I can live without the internet!

–I understand sir, but it says here that your passport expired 5 months ago…